Dear Sexes: It hurts to admit, but I’m bad at sex. I’m tiny (5’0”) and well, everything about me is tiny so I’ve learned to overcompensate in other areas. I lost my virginity at 17 to a guy who was rather well endowed (I have a knack for finding them since) and it hurt, a lot. As a defense mechanism, I’d think of anything but the physical act and now, 8 years later, I still can’t stop thinking. It’s hard to explain to partners that because of this series of bad experiences I’m stuck there. Help!
She Said: I’m so sorry that sex hasn’t been fun for you! My biggest question would be whether you’re enjoying other sex acts that don’t involve penetration? Oral sex, manual sex, self-pleasuring together?
If the answer is no, then I think your only recourse would be to see a sex therapist-visit AASECT online to find one-and do a piece of work surrounding sex. And no, your therapist won’t make you do sex stuff in front of him/her. It’s about finding the root issues and working through them.
If the answer is yes, I think it might be great for you to invest in some penetrative vibrators! Or a dildo along with a clitoral stimulating vibrator. Start small, insert just a little ways, with some lubricant. Do what feels good, don’t go further. As time progresses doing this, go deeper. Relax! You’re the one in charge!
Once you’re all the way in with the smallest one, progress to a bigger one. Here’s a vaginal dilator set that is used to treat Vaginismus (you should ask your doctor if maybe you have this condition!), though if you went to a local sex shop and asked for the smallest dildo they have, I bet they’d have something softer or more like a penis.
Try to relax. Think of this as fun. Masturbation is healthy, orgasms are great for your body and reduce stress and increase life expectancy! And it’s all in your control… Isn’t that comforting?
He Said: First off, how are you determining your successes or failures at sex? Are you not having fun (ever)? Are your partners not having fun? What are your expectations for yourself and your lovers?
I’m truly sorry that your first time was so traumatic, but it may have hurt (regardless of the types of genitals involved), partly just because it was your first time. What I mean is, let’s not blame your vagina for your so called failed sexual experiences. I’ll take your word for it that you’re tiny, but you still have plenty of options out there for sexual success.
You’ll need to work on relaxing and being at ease, to get over this emotional and physical hurdle. As far as the physical aspect goes, try Kegel exercises - to learn how to contract and control your pelvic floor, and have more comfortability with your vagina. Then there’s the emotional side of things. The more comfortable and honest you can be with your partners, the better chance you give yourself to have satisfying sexual experiences. Remember to communicate your needs to your mates - tell them what feels good and what doesn’t, when to go hard, fast, slow, gentle, and what motions are best for your ocean, etc… If none of those things help, don’t discount the value of a good sex therapist, or a therapist in general.
Also, keep in mind some genitalia just don’t make good (or optimal) partners. Mammoth vaginas don’t usually play well with tiny penises, just as colossal peckers don’t always make the best mates for tiny beavers. If you don’t have a crystal ball, select your partners wisely. And don’t give up on yourself. You have the right to life, liberty, and the pursuit of great sex.