Dear Sexes: I am a guy - 18 years old. I have a problem. I haven’t dated a girl in my life before. Not that I need to, because I am not popular. However, that’s not my concern. I am ready to start dating, but I have no idea where to start. I’ve never even kissed a girl before, though girls have told me many times that I’m handsome, cute, and stuff like that. Now I’m out of high school, and going to another school with very few girls. Where do I start?

She Said: From a woman’s perspective, and having been 18 years old once, I would say the place to start is with women you like, but aren’t really your closest friends. 

Be honest, but don’t lay your feelings out completely (after all, until you’ve explored your romance together, you don’t even really know your feelings!) When you meet or get to know a woman you like, a simple, “Hey, it’d be cool to have a coffee with you sometime. Here’s my number” will go a long way.

And yes, give her your number. The best of all my relationships were with guys who gave me their number instead of asking for mine. They may not have realized it at the time, but to me it felt like they were putting the ball in my court. It felt empowering, and I never had to worry about someone calling me too much or making me uncomfortable.

It also gives the air of confidence. A “take it or leave it” sort of thing. Like, “Hey, if you want to meet up, that’d be cool. Just give me a call.”

Just don’t have business cards printed up for yourself. That’s a terrible move.

As far as what to do, just treat the woman as a friend you really value. Start simply - a drink or a coffee. If it’s going well, you can always walk to dinner somewhere or see a movie. 

Don’t plan a big event, just somewhere you can hang out and talk. Keep it short and just be yourself. If you’re nervous, you can even say that. Just only say it once! 

Dating is like any other skill. Picking up a guitar or kicking a ball feel weird at first, but with practice you get better and better. 

He Said: When you say you’re ready to start dating, what does dating look like to you? Do you want one serious girlfriend? Do you want to be monogamous in a relationship? Are you just looking to date around, and have several experiences (to learn more about what you’re looking for)? You’re just starting your dating, so I’d imagine you’re looking to gain experience, but only you know exactly what type of dating you’re interested in. 

Regardless, if you’re ready, you’re ready. So don’t worry about your lack of experience. Don’t focus on what you lack. Think about what you bring to the table, and work on establishing a connection with a girl you like. The best way to increase your chances for success (for now) is to start making more friends. I understand you don’t want to get caught in the friend zone, but the more people you know, the more you can connect, the greater possibility you can find someone you want to date. Even if you just make a bunch of new friends, those friends will have friends you may like. Friends of friends is often a good dating avenue to explore (just don’t let yourself be set-up, and be on your best behavior). 

So go out, be social, and be yourself. You have plenty of time to gain experience. No need to rush yourself, just put yourself in positions to increase your social net. You’ll make friends, you’ll make connections, you’ll find some girls to date. 

P.S. - Please use common sense and caution if talking to strangers (in person or on the internet). 

Dear Sexes: I’ve been in love with a friend for a long time (almost ten months). We met in training and saw each other every week, then started doing stuff outside. I did ask her out once last year and she said she’d prefer to stay friends. Since then, we’ve grown closer and both had relationships that didn’t work out. However, she’s meeting up with her ex “for a talk” and I’m worried. Its not just jealousy that’s bothering me, although that is a part, but I’m afraid she’ll end up hurt again.

She Said: You seem awesome! It’s so great that you guys were still able to be friends even though you admitted some feelings for her.

I think you should just be direct. First, be direct about your concern that she’ll get hurt. I would start with explaining that you know that she can handle herself and make good decisions, but that you’re worried she may be setting herself up to be hurt again, and that she deserves more than that.

Then you should say something like, “And, I swear my concern has very little to do with the fact that I still may have some feelings for you.“ And then smile. Because she’ll know that it has something to do with that, regardless.

With any crush on a friend, there is the risk that they will completely freak out. I can’t deny that. But I think if you go into it confident, and assure her that nothing has changed, that you’re still friends just as you have been the last year, she’ll be able to hear your concerns. But you really have to follow through on that.

If she decides to go get her heart stomped again… The only thing you can do is just support her. Unless there’s abuse, people heal from heartbreaks and get stronger. 

He Said: Are you worried because of the topic of conversations for "the talk”? Or are you nervous, because of who your friend is talking to - her ex? You say you’re afraid she’ll get hurt again. Has her ex given you (or more importantly, her) reason to believe he/she has irresponsible intentions? Is your friend particularly nervous about the talk? You can’t protect your loved ones (no matter how much you love them) from being hurt in life - it’s inevitable. All you can do is be a good guide, and point them in the directions that give them the best chances to succeed. 

So… if you want to be a great friend (which I’m sure you are), have a talk with her of your own (before she has THE talk with her ex). Find out what she’s trying to accomplish from the talk, and what she’s expecting from her ex. Hopefully you can help her into a good position. Remind her to be honest with her ex (and herself) about what she truly wants from that relationship, moving forward. 

Speaking of honesty, you’ve got some things to work on too. Even though you said your jealousy was only a part of your discomfort, regarding your friend meeting up with her ex, it’s still a part. Giving space and time to your friends are great things to do. But at some point, you may find you’ll have to tell your friend about your deeper feelings for her. If you wait too long, you may start to resent your friend (or yourself) for your silence. And what’s a great friendship, if you can’t be truly honest with each other?

Revealing your feelings is risky, but with great risk comes (sometimes) great reward. There’s no perfect time to reveal your feelings, but a good friendship deserves transparency. So reveal away (when you’re ready to really bring the honesty, of course). And definitely wait until THE talk is over and done with. Good luck! 

Dear Sexes: Help! My boyfriend hates going down on me, but it’s one of my favorite things - both giving and receiving. I just irritates me that he never returns the favor. And the two times that he has returned it, he complained about the taste, which really brought my self esteem and libido way down. I don’t know how to help him understand that sometimes I just REALLY need oral. 

She Said: Ugh! Of course that hurt your self-esteem! I’m sorry that happened. 

I assume you’ve ruled out infections or other issues with your gynecologist, just to be sure.

Beyond that, you can suggest taking a shower together and then go down on him there… And he can return the favor. Or maybe take a bubble bath (I suggest using a natural baby soap to make the bubbles, as the fragrances in products like bubble bath, feminine washes, scented tampons/pads, etc can actually make odor and taste worse - and no soap on your vagina or vulva!) and suggest he come in and scrub your back, as well as the rest of you… Then, when you get out, drop the towel and head to bed.

If that doesn’t work, and you feel truly unsatisfied, sexually, then it’s important to be clear to him how much having oral performed on you matters to you. It’s possible you guys just don’t match up in that way. And it’s better to know that sooner rather than later. 

He Said: Turn the tables on him! If you want him to understand how much you need/enjoy receiving oral, then withhold from giving him any. I understand you also like giving oral, but if you make him walk a mile in your shoes (or your pants), maybe he’ll suddenly understand that he needs to give more to receive more. 

If that’s too much game playing or power-play for you, just put him in your position by asking him how he would feel if you never went down on him. Sometimes a simple, honest conversation can accomplish everything you need.

How was his performance the two times that he did give you oral? Were the desired results achieved (from your perspective)? Is it possible his unwillingness to return the favor, is just a cover for his own insecurities about his abilities as a lover? He might not freely admit this, but it’s a possibility. Also, is giving oral something he has never been fond of (with any of his partners), or is it just with you? I’d like to see him try and wriggle his way around that question, if you have the bravery to ask it. 

Ultimately, relationships are about balance and reciprocity (though exactly 50/50 is unlikely). He should want to give pleasure (of all kinds) to you, and it shouldn’t be something you have to plead for. As partners, you’re supposed to take care of each other, and if he won’t take care of you (the way you want), there’s always the possibility that someone else can.

By the way, just in case your boyfriend was being totally honest, and he has a legitimate problem with you “down there”, you should know that you’ll taste like the foods you eat. Without getting too into it - milk, honey, almonds, fruits, and lots of water can help you taste good. Avoid (or try not to go overboard with) really stinky foods as well as fish, crab, shrimp, certain really spicy foods, and alcohol.  

Dear Sexes: My boyfriend is a Christian virgin who is saving himself for marriage, while I have had multiple sex partners. We have talked at length about it and do our best not to judge one another’s life choices. But we are now a year or two into the relationship, and I miss sex A LOT! We have done almost everything short of it, but the act itself is very important to me, and I am feeling very emotionally distant from him. How do I handle this without hurting his feelings?  

She Said: First, his feelings aboutsex and sexuality are incredibly important and I think it’s so great that you’ve been supporting one another’s pasts and choices about sexual expression. 

The very first thing you should do is explain to your boyfriend that while you totally support his choice of wanting to remain a virgin until marriage, you really miss intercourse. I say “intercourse” because it sounds like you guys are already really sexual with one another. And that’s sex. Connecting intimately, and giving one another pleasure is sex. 

Find a way to tell him that you want to stay with him, and you want him to know you’ll honor his desire to abstain from intercourse, but that you want your deepest feelings to be out in the open.

I wonder if there’s a compromise to this situation. What exactly do you miss about penis-in-vagina (PIV) sex? Penetration? I wonder if you two could use a sex toy together while you’re fooling around? If he’s not comfortable with that, you certainly could use one on your own.

And you should absolutely avoid rushing into marriage so that you can have PIV sex. Marriage should only happen if you’re both fully committed and ready to be together for a lifetime. 

Once you address within yourself exactly what it is about PIV sex that is so important to you, maybe you’ll see that PIV sex is more about something you feel you need emotionally rather than physically. If that’s the case, see if you can reconcile a way to get that emotional need met in a different way. It could be about acceptance, affirmation, or intimacy… or something altogether different.

If you do that work, and it turns out that it truly is about the physical sensation (or physical sensation combined with emotional closeness) and you discover that you cannot get that in any other way, it may come to you needing to move on to a different relationship. This is not a way to pressure him to change his values, and if he wants to compromise those to keep you around, you should do your best to not let that happen. Loving someone means supporting the things that matter most to them.

But if after all this work, you decide PIV sex is non-negotiable, I think it’s worth moving on and both of you starting over with someone new. I just don’t think that necessarily has to be the case.

He Said: Hurry up and get married tomorrow! I’m kidding of course, but even so, the clock is ticking. You’re in a quandary, because you can’t suppress your desire for sex with your boyfriend forever, and at the same time you can’t completely change your boyfriend’s relationship with God (and his desire to wait until marriage). 

This question might be blasphemous, but is your boyfriend’s relationship with God more important to him than his relationship with you? Is he willing to lose you, in order to wait until marriage to have sex? Are you willing to lose him, in order to not have to wait any longer for sex?

Ultimately, you can only control your actions so… If you can’t wait, then talk to your boyfriend and make sure you’re very clear exactly how serious this issue has become. Maybe (though not likely) he’ll reevaluate his values and priorities, if the alternative means losing you. Is an open relationship a possibility for either/both of you? If you could fulfill your sex needs with someone else, would that satisfy you? Or is it your boyfriend (specifically him, and him only) who you desire? 

How serious are you, and your boyfriend about this relationship? Can you imagine yourself being married to one another? Is it something you both want for this relationship, eventually? Are you in a position to get married sooner rather than later? There’s no perfect time to get married, so if this issue is really the ONLY problem you’re struggling with, maybe it’s time to consider a proposal. 

At the same time, rushing into marriage is a recipe for disaster. Ultimately, if you can’t find a situation that works for both of you, it might be time to go your separate ways. 

Dear Sexes: I’ve been in love with a friend of mine for a long time. We had grown emotionally close over the last months, and I was helping her solve many personal issues she wouldn’t dare tell anyone else. But there remained distance. When I finally told her how I felt, she revealed she has a boyfriend - something she had previously denied. Now she has stopped talking to me altogether. I’m terribly confused and upset. Can I still save our friendship? Or was she just using me for emotional support?

She Said: My main concern is that she didn’t tell you that she had a boyfriend. That is a little glitch in the trust you should have in a friend.

I can think of two reasons for this. First, she wanted to have an intimate emotional relationship with you (as a friend) and was afraid you wouldn’t be willing to do that without the promise - somewhere on the horizon - that she might be available. She was probably afraid she would lose your friendship if you knew.

The other reason is that maybe she doesn’t have those types of feelings for you right now, and believes that saying “no” to you is less painful if it’s because she has a boyfriend. Like, it’s not a rejection of you as a person, but rather that she’s already “taken”.

Here’s a weird thing some women do (and possibly some men). We cannot believe that we have value to men except as a romantic or sexual partner. Could you really love me as just a human being, and be my friend, and be trustworthy and honest if you don’t think you’ll get to sleep with me?

I think we’ve been so inundated our whole lives with messages saying that we are lovers, sex objects, wives, moms and sisters of men - and not just friends - and we really believe that our only worth is in fulfilling those roles.

Or perhaps, as I said, she doesn’t feel that saying simply, “I love you as a friend, and am so glad we’re close, but I don’t feel romantically toward you right now” is legitimate on its own. As in, if she doesn’t belong to someone else, why wouldn’t she be available to belong to you?

That doesn’t mean you’ve been approaching her with this attitude, but rather it’s something we learn from our childhood. If you’re a man and she’s a woman, you’ll remember the message that boys and girls can’t be friends. Think of “Girls have cooties” and “Girls rule and boys drool”? As grown-ups, we’ve been taught that men and women can’t be friends without eventually falling in love and ruining everything. See every romantic comedy every to appear on screen!

You can potentially salvage this relationship. Let her know she means a lot to you as a person, and that you value her friendship and wouldn’t want it to be hurt by your feelings.

Then remind yourself that sometimes feelings are just feelings, and nothing more. They don’t have to overwhelm you or break your heart. You can watch that twinge of crush come into your chest, then you can watch it pass. 

Sounds like you’re a great friend. Just keep that up!

He Said: Yes, and yes - to answer your questions - with conditions. Yes, you can still save your friendship, if you really want to, and if your friend is also interested in having a friendship. If your friend was leading you on/using you for emotional support, is that okay with you - do you want to have a friendship with someone like that? Or were you getting something out of the exchange as well? Be careful to make sure you’re honest with yourself as opposed to victimizing yourself. 

Having said that, I’m sorry you’re upset and hurting. Unrequited love is always painful, especially when it involves an established friend. As you say, your friend was sharing a lot with you, creating a sense of intimacy. But don’t confuse sharing with romantic caring. Judge your friend by her actions, not her words. If she really wants to more than just a friendship with you, she’ll let you know. What did she say, when you told her how you felt about her?  Did she ANYTHING about her feelings for you?

Also, try your best not to ignore the warning signs -now and in the future. That “distance” you noticed was the fact that your friend had a boyfriend. Most likely she denied it, because she enjoyed the extra attention from you. Maybe you were offering some emotional support she wasn’t getting from her boyfriend. She also probably knew if she discussed her boyfriend with you, you would lose some of your romantic hopes for the two of you. 

Now that you know exactly where you stand, she’s stopped communicating with you completely? I’d say it’s time to move on. You’ve made your feelings clear. If she wants to change the dynamic of your relationship, it’s up to her. Let her make the next move, and don’t wait around to find out the answer. If you’re the only one taking risks or being vulnerable, you’ll end up being the only one who gets hurt. Obviously you don’t want your friend to be hurt, but let her be the one to reach out for once. And when/if that happens, be clear and honest with each other regarding your intentions.